The Greenery
by Irene T447
Summary: Crack!fic. Saria receives a dying plant from the Great Deku Tree. The Goddesses intervene. Loaded with lethal doses of snarkasm, sleep-deprived ramblings, and severe forth-wall breakages. Writing prompt: dying houseplant. Read at your own peril!


Within those dense, mythical forests of that one, pretty effed up world of Hyrule ,if you know what I mean, there lived a tree god. This tree god was mighty – as illustrated by his deep, resonant voice and his impressive eyebrows ( which apparently morph into his mustache and beard ) and had control over all living green things in the world.

His physical manifestation was a reflection of his power: big, grandiose, wooden, immobile – um… can photosynthesize? Are we reaching here?

Anyhow, he lived in the middle of the forest where little wandering spirits eternally trapped in the bodies of six-year-old children reverently called him : the Great Deku Tree.

Yes, the Great Deku Tree – an all powerful…tree…who was immortal, living alongside immortal six-year-old children and their fairy counterparts.

The narrator of this story invites you to pause and ponder this situation.

…It would appear that the goddess Farore's baby-farm idea didn't work, so she demoted the tree god to 'eternal babysitter' while she went about sitting all high and mighty upon the pedestal of the triforce. Because that is what you do when you happen to be a bitchy, badass goddess involved in a money scam (split timeline theory, I think not!) and are bored out of your mind watching heroes rise over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over (***breathes*) ** and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and –

I think I've illustrated my point.

Anywho, to give these poor children some semblance of dignity (pft!), the gods granted them immortality and gave to them a name: The Kokiri.

Which, actually, isn't very dignifying considering half the you-tubers out there can't even pronounce the name correctly, but moving on.

(Seriously! Come on people, It's pronounced exactly the way it looks. It's not that difficult! And don't even let me get started on the Gerudo….which apparently can be butchered even worse than Sahasrahala).

For the longest time, people, and, by people, I mean the Kokiri, because literally the only people who seem to be aware of the Great Deku Tree's existence are the Kokiri themselves( or if your name happens to be Zelda, you're a princess, and you have decidedly selective omniscience, then I would suppose you might have heard of him in a dream or something equally as mysterious) believed that the Great Deku Tree was a completely benign, friendly, father-like figure who would never, never tell a lie; never do something to hurt the easily (deliciously) exploitable feelings of a Kokiri; and would never entrust said Kokiri with a task too daunting for him or her to handle.

However, if that were the case, there would be no story; there would be no plot! No reason for this sleep-deprived narrator to be narrating to you this text she's slaved over, so really...

…you must feel sorry for those poor Kokiri.

Shall we begin?

* * *

><p>Prior to beginning the actual plot (again), the narrator would like to inform you that she is the queen of run-on sentences and believes grammar to be the bane of her existence, along with Calculus, frozen windshields, and that annoying shithead who eats crunchy food with their mouth open right behind you while you're trying to get shit done. Thank you very much for not reading this disclaimer (ahem! I own nothing!) and please enjoy at your own peril!<p>

* * *

><p>Saria woke up one day, as she did every day, feeling identically swell as she did all days before since the dawning of her existence. Having the power of eternal youth on one's side certainly does wonders for one's mood. An added bonus if you also are an untroubled six-year-old – who is not actually six-years-old- and you know absolutely nothing about the suffering and horror that is LIFE.<p>

Mature, as far as Kokiri go, with biologically incorrect green hair, Saria's countenance was marked by a perpetual sunny disposition which made her something of a favorite to the Great Deku Tree.

And she was aware of this. Proud of the fact, she set herself as a role model for the other Kokiri to follow, though her attempts at maintaining a hair-pullingless, tearless, tantrum-throwingless society in the woods had yet to be fruitful…

Regardless, she was resolute (what the word 'resolute' meant, she hadn't any idea) in making sure that at least she could be the best Kokiri she could be, even if those eternal children around her had yet to realize their own potential to be more than immature brats running about the woods.

She went about her morning routine – bouncing out of bed like a bean, splashing a owl of water to her face, and running outside to play with her fairy…wearing the exact clothes outside that she had slept in the night before….and without brushing her teeth, either..because evidently, the forest does not believe in hygiene.

As she and her trusty fairy companion (-), [yes, the name is (-). No, it is not Parenthesis – Hyphen-End-Parenthesis the name is (-). You don't know how to pronounce that? Shame on you! I haven't the time nor patience to go over fairy phonetics or lexicons, so for now just DEAL] gathered fruits to eat for breakfast, another Kokiri approached.

"Good morning, Mido!" She intoned, cheerfully.

"Hmph!" He grunted like a moron, "The Great Deku Tree is asking for you. Because you're his favorite."

"Oh, I don't know about that," She said, coyly, while (-) did flying circles with pride.

Mido's fiary, named (*), gave (-) the dirty finger, which went over (literally) the heads of the two Kokiri. Because they're short.

Mido was something of a two-dimensional character Nintendo decided not to use as anything but a plot device. He can be described as a freckled, snot-nosed, ne'er do well who somehow was within the Great Deku Tree's good graces. The only reason he would be useful in any sort of pre-OOT fanfiction is because he has a magical fairy sword, which, in the LOZ fandom, automatically equates to PLOT.

At least he did not have biologically incorrect green hair, he himself favoring a carrot orange, which cannot be said for dear Saria.

"This way!" Mido began trekking through foliage, recklessly chopping vegetation with his sword.

Saria knew well how to reach the Great Deku Tree, but she let him lead because it was the responsible thing to do and because it was what the Great Deku Tree would have liked. Because pleasing the all powerful Great Deku Tree automatically equates to being GOOD.

Right….whatever your eternally underdeveloped brain is telling you, Saria.

Upon reaching the old tree god, and performing whatever ritualistic bowing and salutations that Kokiri do when in his presence, The Great Deku Tree decided to entrust Saria with something very special indeed.

My, my! What could it possibly be? I see branches parting! Hear the rustling of leaves and the dry cracking of old wood. What is this?

Saria reached forward and removed a potted plant from within the Great Deku Tree.

Really? A potted plant? What could be so fascinating about a potted plant? There is literally nothing special about that plant. It doesn't even have a flower! I think I have that exact species sitting by my own windowsill.

What could Saria possibly gain from having a houseplant? Are you trying to preach some didactic message to her about the importance of maternal nurturing that will ultimately aid her in raising the Hero of Time some several centuries from n-

"AHEM!" The Great Deku Tree roared, shaking the forest.

-now?

..okay…that was awfully rude.

Saria and Mido both cringed, and a flock of keese flew off in the distance.

"Ouch! Not so loud!" Mido grumbled, "Hey, where did the pot come from?"

Oh, Mido. You plot device.

"No, seriously." Mido peered at the item in Saria's arms, "Where did the pot come from?"

The Great Deku Tree sighed, "Mido, you silly child. Since when does Hyrule follow the laws of logic?"

"Excellent point, Great Deku Tree," Saria chirped.

Mido's eyes narrowed, "Wait a second…"

But the Great Deu Tree and Saria had moved on.

"Saria. You among the Kokiri are unique. You have demonstrated a great understanding of kindness by acting as a steward of compassion towards all living things, and are by far the most responsible. Forthis, I am entrusting you to look after this potted plant," The Great Deku Tre intoned theatrically, "Within this potted plant dwells the essence of all green life of this world. You must keep it safe from all harm…water it…make sure it gets sufficient sunlight…"

Saria simply nodded her head as the Great Deku Tree made a grocery list of taking care of his plant. Having grown up in a forest, she did have a very firm understanding of how to grow and maintain greenery, though she thought it rude to interrupt, especially since this plant certainly meant quite a deal to the Great Deku Tree.

"Can I trust you with this task?" he ended.

And Saria…

Poor, poor, Saria…

Poor, poor, naïve and innocent Saria…

..put on a radiant smile like the rays of a misty sunrise upon the moors and said, with no shortage of child-like faith, "Okay!"

Meanwhile, Mido looked quite dubious, but, seeing as he himself was a non-six-year-old-six-year-old, could not formally articulate how he felt or why, and stomped of after Saria, who was still smiling with evident joy.

"Oh, Mido!" The Great Deku Tree added as an afterthought, "I forgot to mention…How silly, Imust be getting old [pft!]. You too must help safeguard this plant. Should the plant wither and die, so too will all green life in the world, and we wouldn't want that, now would we?"

As soon as Mido figured a way of removing his jaw from the forest floor, he raced after Saria.

* * *

><p>Now, Saria's reaction to this news was not severe. She nodded with an "Oh?" and suddenly clutched th potted plant to her chest, but did not appear to be suffering from tachycardia like Mido.<p>

"But of course he would put the raising of this plant into my hands," Saria murmured, "He trusts me."

"And it doesn't bother you knowing that if anything bad happens to that plant, all green life on earth will die?"

Saria smiled and continued on her way, "Well, we'll just have to make sure no harm befalls this plant!"

"Er…" Mido struggled again in voicing his fears, so he instead offered, "It's such an honor…The Great Deku Tree told me to help you look after it."

"Oh, jolly," Saria said, even though Mido was not her first pick when it came to co-parenting a divine plant, or co-parenting anything for that matter. She'll have to remember that.

It was at that point in time, as Saria's gaze was fixed like glue to the items in her arms, that she did not notice a completely coincidental vine inching out of the forest until it had grasped her ankle, inverted the poor girl, and sent the potted plant flying.

For the second time in about five minutes, Mido's jaw hit the ground. Luckily, he was not so transfixed he could not act, diving for the plant and rescuing the forest – totally worth getting a face full of dirt.

After Saria had climbed out of the vines and shooed them away, Mido returned the plant to her arms,shaking.

"I suppose that was a tad close…" Saria said, wide eyed, clutching the plant fervently to her small body.

"You think?!" Mido practically screamed, causing the fairies above their heads to flinch. Mido drew his sword, "Let me lead, alright?"

Saria did not move.

"Mido, what have we gotten into?" She asked, completely serious. "I think we should go back and return this to the Great Deku Tree."

Mido shook his head, "And then he'll give it to someone else. Do you honestly trust the fate of the woods to anyone else?"

Saria just sighed, "Can I trust myself?"

Mido scowled, Of course you can. You have to. You're the only Kokiri who knows how to be responsible."

Saria traced the fuzz of the leafy stalk in her arms, "True. Very true."

"Besides," He continued, jittery, "I'm focused now. I'll keep you and the plant out of harm's way."

He turned and began hacking the woods again with a brutality that nearly broke Saria's heart.

"Come on!" He hurried her, grimacing, "And hopefully we can sneak it into your house without anyone seeing."

"Why would we do that?" Saria questioned, stepping lightly behind him, "Wouldn't it be better if more people knew about it?"

"What, so they can play 'monkey in the middle' with it? No, we gotta keep quiet."

Finding no fault in Mido's logic (logic; it apparently doesn't exist in Hyrule anyway), Saria agreed and snuck the plant into her house where she set it by an eastern facing windowsill.

She had (-) keep an eye on it while she and Mido left to eat breakfast (Saria did have to finish her morning routine, after all. It had been interrupted.)

The rest of the day passed, well, smoothly. Or, as smoothly as a day can pass in a jungle packed with rowdy children Neverland-style.

Saria resolved the usual forty-some domestic disputes, soothed a couple dozen tantrums, and, no, did not swear to never forgive Fado for stealing her ocarina (Mido reasoned with the big-haired blonde and got it back, which Saria thought was something out of character for him to do…wait, Mido has character in this story? How the hell did that happen?). In essence, her day was full. So full, in fact, she didn't even notice the semi-wilted greenery sitting on her windowsill when she went to bed.

But you have to forgive her for that.

She is a child, after all.

* * *

><p>Saria woke up the following day, as she did every day, feeling identically swell as she did all the days before since the dawning of her existence. Having the power of eternal youth on one's side certainly does wonders for one's mood. An added bonus if you also are an untroubled six-year-old – who is not actually six-years-old – and you know nothing of the suffering and horror th–<p>

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

-at is…life?

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

The scream, which split the air like a knife, shattered several mirrors, sent Hylian nobility into premature labor, and caused several fairies to lose their wings.

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Having glanced over to the sunrise, which was blocked by a peculiarly misshapen plant upon her sill, Saria came to the most horrible realization.

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Dear God, those lungs…

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Waiting…waiting…hm?

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

How has she not taken a breath yet? Is she alright? Is she going to pass out?"

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Should we take her to see a doctor? Wait! Are there any doctors in these woods? Oh, dear….

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

"Saria! What's the screaming about?!"

Thankfully, Mido came barreling into her house, sword in hand, standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

Saria slowly lifted a finger. Mido puzzled at her obnoxious behavior, (*) plugged his petite ears. The non-screaming Kokiri traced his gaze along a straight line leading directly toward –

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH-"

Mido's sword clattered to the floor as his voice suddenly joined Saria's in waking the entire forest. More mirrors shattered; several other Hylian women, including the peasantry, went into premature labor; and all unclaimed fairies lost their wings.

* * *

><p>The screams of the two Kokiri reverberated through time, space, and what-have-you, eventually coming to the attention of the Great Goddess Farore.<p>

She sat up stiffly in a great white loveseat. Having fallen asleep, her equally biologically-nightmarish green hair was in quite a state of disarray.

"Sisters!" She set her hands out before her and paused for effect, " I sense a disturbance in The Force!"

"Wrong fandom," Din, Farore's red-haired counterpart, lazily tossed a handful of popcorn into her mouth," Sh…I love this part! We are Groot!"

Din bobbed her head in the direction of the HD television the goddesses had in their living room. A frantic typing sound pecked away in the background where the eleagant, blue-haired Nayru sat, writing up a plot while jabbering noisily on the phone with Hylia.

"Plot hole," The Goddess of Wisdom announced to the phone tucked under her chin, "How are we going to flood Hyrule? Here: I just sent you a draft of a new idea. Also, what do we want in terms of symbolism of your power? We already have the harp motif, I doubt that'll be enough…"

Farore grumbled, resettling herself properly in her chair. She swore Hylia and Nayru had a pact. Their manifestations always came through the Princess of Hyrule – it really wasn't fair. She and Din were stuck watching two men swing swords at each other for eternity.

"HOOGAH-CHAGAH-HOOGAH-CHAGAH!" Din roared, squirming excitedly in her seat.

Farore placed a pillow over each long ear. She was once gain stuck waiting for Nayru to build them a plot so they could quickly use their omnipotent power to slam some magical happenings together, last minute, like good procrastinating creation goddesses prior to the birth of Hyrule's next hero.

"Din, can we please watch something else?" Nayru called from her perch, "Your fangirling is killing my mood."

"I second that." Farore raised a hand, dropping a pillow.

Din stretched out on the couch, "Nope!"

"Guardians of the Galaxy?" Nayru raised an eyebrow condescendingly.

"What? It's a modern classic!" Din protested, shoveling another wave of popcorn into her mouth.

"I wouldn't call this classical in the slightest," The blue haired goddess rebutted, placing a pair of Bose headphones over her head, "Farore, you're on your own."

Farore pouted, folding her arms with a huff while Din restarted the movie for the some-thousandth time and sang along rather annoyingly, albeit beautifully ( she is a goddess, afer all) to the Awesome Mix Vol. 1.

"Must I be forced to watch this again?" The Goddess of Courage complained.

The Goddess of Power just laughed, "You fell asleep last time!"

"Testimony to my boredness with this movie. Remember your obsession with Frozen last year?"

"Oh, admit it, you green-haired freak! You loved the song 'Let it Go'."

Farore furrowed her brow and let out a frustrated sigh, "I enjoyed it the first 500 times we saw it, listened to the sound track, and did both the movie sing-along and karaoke versions of the entire picture. I just about had enough of that!" She snapped, "Just as any sane goddess would."

Farore had ticked off the items one by one on her fingers to illustrate her point, hand still hanging in the air with a severe expression on her face. Her arguments fell upon deaf ears.

"I'm the insane one, am I?" Din challenged, throwing a wave of popcorn at Farore, which the green-haired goddess dodged, "I'm not the one who came up with the ridiculous baby-farm idea, which, if you recall, completely backfired onyou."

"You fail to see the merit in eternal innocence," Farore haughtily replied, directing a finger towards Din, "It was you who had my baby-farms shut down."

"You mean your poop-factories?" Din scowled, "Oh, and the crying! All of that racket – the best decision I ever made!"

"Blasphemy!" Farore cried, throwing Din's popcorn back, "The moment of birth is a beautiful one; one without compare! When the dawning of new existence loudly boasts his arrival to the universe by taking a first breath and screaming heavenwards! That! My dearest, Din. That is the truest manifestation of my power; the power of life itself!"

Nayru cleared her throat, having removed the headphones from her ears. She took to her feet, laptop packed away and tucked underarm.

"They were poop-factories," Nayru deadpanned in agreement with Din, "Anyways, as long as miss hot-head over here is watching any of her geeky movies, I'm leaving. Din, dear, if you're going to chew disgusting snacks of the mundane behind my head like an idiot while I'm trying to work, you may just find yourself eviscerated."

Farore gulped.

"Maybe I'll be able to actually get shit done when I have not to put up with either of you two," Nayru finished, grimly.

"Oh," Farore responded, mildly offended that she a.) was being lumped together with 'miss hot-head', and b.) her baby farms were still on the receiving end of shitastic commentary.

"Have fun!" Din shoo'd Nayru off.

The Goddess of Wisdom cast the two others a demeaning look before heading for the door. She stopped after pulling the door free of its frame and glanced back over her shoulder at Farore.

"Sorry, did I say 'poop-factories'? Perhaps I misspoke. Bratty children in the woods with a pair of windpipes to wake the dead, which, if you recall, we agreed was not to be your domain. I suggest you go investigate the sudden ruckus – there are several Hylian women who just went into premature labor…And if I recall," Nayru suddenly grinned, wolfishly, "Fertility and gynecology _are_ your domain, and therefore _your responsibility!_"

The door slammed shut.

"Ah…right. The disturbance," Farore acknowledged after recovering from that particular verbal thrashing, "See, why don't the two of you ever listen to me?"

"What?" Din whipped her head around, "Sorry, I was watching the movie."

"I know you were," Farore grumbled to her feet," I suppose I should probably go down there and sort things out with the Great Deku Tree."

"You mean your 'eternal babysitter'?"

"Right, him…" Farore took a look around her.

There was Din, still slouching on the couch with a limitless supply of popcorn on her lap. Farore mocked her, "You should come down with me; you'll get fat sitting there. Look at all those calories!"

"Nuh-uh! It's low cal! No salt or butter!" Din pulled her ruby red shirt around a flat stomach, "Besides. I am a god. I don't gain weight."

Farore pressed knuckles to her forehead," Alright, then. Don't do anything exciting while I'm gone."

"I will! See you, sister!"

And Farore, echoing the movements of Nayru (albeit, without the slamming) made an exodus from the Sacred Realm.

* * *

><p>"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"<p>

Saria and Mido ended their screams on the floor, panting, staring with abject horror at the atrocity slumping over on Saria windowsill.

Wow.

Just. Wow.

Nayru was right about those windpipes…

"Mido, what do we do?" Saria clawed the front of Mido's tunic, eyes wide," We've failed, Mido!"

"I dunno!" I grabbed her shoulders, "It was your responsibility! The Great Deku Tree handed the plant to you, not me!"

"It's both our responsibility!" Saria sobbed, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes, "I don't have any ideas…"

Mido grimaced, "We'll probably have to take it to the Great Deku tree."

"Oh, no…no…no…."

"What?" Mido puzzled, rising to peer at the windowsill.

"The Great Deku Tree…he'll be so…so _angry_ with us!"

"Well, it's the responsible thing to do!"

"I know it's the responsible thing to do! It doesn't mean I want to do it!"

"Well, I don't want to do it either!" he snatched the plant and shoved it recklessly into her arms.

It was at this point in time that Saria became overwhelmed by a fit of hysterics. She sobbed, hiccupped, giggled and frothed, such that Mido could only stand and stare, mouth agape and attracting flies.

Seriously, Mido, there's a fly in your mouth.

"BLAH!" Mido spat, scraping his tongue with fingernails," Okay, Saria. Time to get up."

He clamored around her form and attempted to pick her up by the armpits. He resorted to dragging her halfway across the floor on her butt.

"Mido, we're all going to die," Saria giggled, still hysterical.

Mido felt an uncomfortable hcill run down the length of his spine and settle into his toes.

"We're all going to die…because without the plant there's no forest, and with no forest, there are no Kokiri," She said in a trance-like state, eyes glazed over with a disconcerting smile.

"Yeesh," Mido muttered.

"…And it'll be all my fault, because I didn't water the plant the Great Deku Tree gave me last night."

Mido attempted to get Saria to her feet again and made helpless gestures to the fairies whizzing above their heads.

"Saria. A plant wouldn't die because you forgot to water it for one night. C'mon, we gotta get to the Great Deku Tree. He'll know what to do."

"Get…UP SARIA!" Mido grunted, yanking upwards on her arms, jostling the pot in her hands.

_***snap***_

Both Kokiri took a pause, eyes found one another's. Saria tilted the pot back to see what damage had been done. As she did so, the stem suddenly fell over like a pitiful tower blown over by the wind.

Saria's eyes rolled to the back of her head.

Mido began screaming again…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

* * *

><p>To be continued?<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong>

Writing Prompt: A houseplant is dying. Tell me why it needs to live.

I'll admit, the crackfic is one I am new to. I did enjoy it. Then again, I wrote this on 1.5 hours of sleep, so...

This was getting a little long for a writing prompt. If I get at least 15 points of contact (PM, review, if you happen to know me, do tap my shoulder in the library) I'll write more for it, otherwise I'll leave it as is.

Thank you much, and best wishes in the new year!


End file.
